My family thinks I’m not good at making decisions. After hearing the banter at every dinner table and family function, I somehow started to believe it. I guess that’s part of the reason why I thought my one little word for 2013 should be choose. But the truth is, I know what I want. (Ok, ok…maybe sometimes I don’t). I get it. I see where they’re coming from. I know it might take me a little longer than most to pick out an outfit or a type of font that I like, but I just blame that on wanting things to look good, not that I’m indecisive.
The reality is, I have a hard time not thinking about all the consequences of my decisions. Karl calls it being neurotic. I call it being hyperaware. I weigh all my options, think of how my decision would affect so-and-so and sadly, I tend to put myself last, just because I may feel badly about something. It’s not because I think I don’t deserve to make decisions for myself. I just have always been the kind of person who puts others first. Sounds great, if you’re on the receiving end. But when you’re constantly putting others in front of your own needs, it’s exhausting. Especially when it affects your relationships. When I was little, my mom would always yell at me for saying “I’m sorry” too much. I would apologize for everything, whether it was my fault or not. And you know what? I still do that.
So, it’s now four months into the year with my one little word choose running through my mind and I’m slowly realizing what this word should mean to me. It’s not about making decisions. I can make them just fine. It’s about owning my decisions and thinking about what I want.
I don’t know if it’s the impending wedding, approaching the big 3-0 or if this one little word really is magical, but things are starting to feel different for me. So as I welcome the month of May, I am prepared to welcome whatever changes and decisions I will have to tackle. Thanks, choose. You’ve been good to me.